The first day of 2013 and I don't think that I have ever been more affected by the feeling that I have to create a new beginning for myself. After a very nice Christmas I suddenly felt like an empty balloon. All energy was gone.
I am slowly starting to recover. We are still here, the world didn't go under so that excuse for not dealing with all the choices ahead is gone. What will this year bring? I won't get to New York with the five euro that I won on the lottery yesterday. How will I get there? My closest family whom I love and respect seem to think that it is impossible moneywise and that it is a bad idea to go to the bank for money considering the amount that you have to pay back later not knowing if you will have work.
When I started this blog everyone was very enthusiastic and said not to worry about the money. It will take care of itself. If you follow your dream it will come to you. I am really wondering how this works? I was and am very happy with all the encouragement but I am so far away from making my dream come true. I have to show that I have 36.000 $ (covering the tuition and the living costs when I am there) now for in September and the application period started today. Someone suggested to start one of those fundraising pages for myself. That would be great of course if it weren't for the awkwardness that I would feel asking for money when a lot of people struggle for food and water every day. Who am I to ask for money to fulfill my dream? On the other hand, if someone else would do it I would be willing to support them not thinking it was weird.
I feel like my dream is slipping through my fingers. There are of course other ways but I just feel so strongly about this one.
All these thoughts... what to make of them? I guess it is part of the process.
I want to wish you all a Happy 2013!!
I wish that the dream that you keep closest to your heart will come true for you this year ♥.
P.s. I want to end this post by something that Debby Mulholland shared with her friends about acting a few days ago. I think this is a confirmation of the struggle of being an actor. At least it made me feel better about myself in the middle of all these thoughts and all these doubts. It is a quote and I am not sure where it was posted first but I think it was written by David Ackert in the LA Times. It can be found on his IMDB page: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0010050/bio
"Actors are some of the most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think they should get real jobs, and their o...wn fear that they’ll never work again. Every day, they have to ignore the possibility that the vision they have dedicated their lives to is a pipe dream. With every role, they stretch themselves, emotionally and physically, risking criticism and judgment. With every passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable milestones of normal life - the car, the family, the house, the nest egg. Why? Because actors are willing to give their entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation that will stir the audience’s soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life’s nectar in that crystal moment when they poured out their creative spirit and touched another’s heart. In that instant, they were as close to magic, God, and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own hearts, they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes.” - David Ackert, LA Times
