To behave or not to behave

When did you learn how to manipulate your parents? You were probably so young that you can't remember. When you fell and it hurt a bit didn't you scream just a little bit louder because maybe you would get some extra attention from your parents? I bet you did, because you knew it worked. Because last time your parents made a bigger deal out of it than it actually was and you discovered that you could benefit from it. You probably didn't even think about it. Just some innocent manipulation. Or if you were extra sweet you would get candy. Admit that you still use it to get your way sometimes with your partner or your partner uses it to manipulate you. My cats do it all the time. They know that it works and I fall for it over and over again.

What is truthful behavior? Yes, it is hard to know when you haven't stopped to think about for awhile. My teacher said go to the zoo and watch the animals but then she changed her mind thinking of what being in a cage does to natural behavior of animals.

If you meet an angry lioness on a savannah in Africa I don't think you are going to question the lioness' behavior. But if I raise my voice to you unfairly, will you let it pass? It depends on who I am to you. If I am your boss you might but if I am your sister I am sure you won't. We adjust our behavior all the time depending on where we are and who we are with. We do this every day. It is not so strange that it is hard to tell when someone is truthful since people will adjust to you just as you adjust to them.

This is what I like about the repetition exercise of the Meisner Technique. We cut the crap and we are who we are in the moment. At least that is what we are trying to learn. Given our history of manipulated behavior it is not that easy to just be who you are.

 

Photo taken by my brother on a Safari we went on in Kenya 2006. The car
we were in ended up in between the lioness and her cubs by mistake.  

 

Hurricane Sandy

Hurricane Sandy is about to hit the American east coast including New York and Washington DC and I think of friends that are there right now and hope that all goes well.

I can't help but thinking of the man behind the Meisner technique that I have been talking about here. His name was Sanford Meisner. Everyone called him Sandy. He was the teacher of my teacher and as I understand, quite a remarkable man. He must have been.

He has had a huge impact on many people's lives directly and indirectly through his students and us who have been taught by them. I really hope that this hurricane will not be as influential as he was and still is.

 

 

 

Is it in your voice?

Yesterday I met up with three strong, talented actors for coffee in Amsterdam.

We talked about the importance of grounding your voice if you want your message to come across and you want to be taken seriously. Many people speak from the throat up which is fine if you just want to chit chat all day long but if you end up in a situation where you have to put your foot down it might be less successful.

I am back to it's not what you say but how you say it. When you speak from your core people will understand what you mean fully. If you want to be a good actor this is necessary. More importantly, if you think that people around you don't always listen to what you say maybe it is in your voice.

Your voice carries your emotions and if your voice it cut off by your throat it will not be able to carry your emotions, at least not all of them.

I used to speak from my throat in class, I still do at times, and it wouldn't get me anywhere except straight to frustration. Luckily you can work on your voice and learn how to ground it.

On stage voice is a big issue. If your voice is not grounded the following things will probably happen:

1. The audience can't hear you (which is a shame because you probably worked hard on your piece).

2. It will be hard for your partner to connect with you if you are not connected with your emotions.

3. You will lose the audience because they will not think that you are authentic.

Don't let your voice destroy all the hard work that you have done.

I am not saying all this to be mean, I am just saying that if you have this problem start working on it today, you will be a better actor and as a bonus maybe the people around you will start listening to you more.

Will they hear you on the other side?

Public solitude

When on stage we talk about the 'fourth wall', the invisible wall between the performers and the audience. Even though some performers seek contact with the audience, or play the audience as some say, most of the time we ignore their presence while focusing on what is happening on stage.

In Meisner training we talk about 'public solitude'. Are you able to walk through a room or walk out on stage when people are watching the same way you would do if you were alone? It is harder than you think. At home you stop thinking of your moves but on stage there are constantly people watching. So even if you don't look at the audience when on stage you are aware of them.

Could you pick your nose in front of a crowd in which every single person is focusing on you, pretending they are not there? If you are not ready to show your warts and bumps you are not fully ready for 'public solitude'.

Public solitude is an art worth mastering.   

 

 

 

 

Pinch = Ouch!

It comes naturally to scream, swear or cry when someone hurts you physically, whether it is on purpose or by accident. It is a reflex. You would think that the same should go for when someone hurts your feelings. Some people do show their reflex when this happens and I say good for them. What happens to me in real life and I think for many of you is that we go up in our heads and we try to figure out how to behave when it happens. I don't think I am the only one who after a while in such a situations, when it is too late, comes up with something brilliant to say but then the moment is of course already gone.

Wouldn't it be nice if that reflex actually kicked in and you could land that brilliant reply that will make the other person's chin drop, once in a while? If you pinch me I will ouch. 'The pinch and the ouch' is part of the Meisner technique and one of many reasons why I cannot get enough of it. In class we are provided with a safe environment where we learn to listen and answer truthfully and where the opposite of being truthful is being polite. We learn not to go up into our heads trying to figure out what a civilized person would do. We learn to trust the impulse and just react to what we get from the person in front of us, in the moment. Reacting on your instinct, showing truthful behavior and listening to the other person, I find essential elements if you want to become a good actor. For most of us this takes time.

We have spent years trying to fit in to all kinds of social situations that very often include taking shit from people around us. I think the word school says enough. It is not so strange that we have learned to restrain some of our emotions.

It has become instinct to deflect behavior from other people. For me it is often harder to connect to compliments from others compared to when the other person is being mean. The other person says "You're cute" and really means it and all of a sudden there is a big glass wall in front of me. And that deflecting smile that has become a mechanism for me spreads like an ugly grin on my face and I panic a bit. There I am, served with first class behavior on a silver plate and I am totally blocked. "That should have gone up our ass a mile!" my teacher used to say and then laugh with the greatest smile. I hope she forgives me for quoting her here. I know that was not language that she used outside of class but it was so to the point and we all understood exactly what she meant.  

We all struggle with being on the receiving end of other peoples behavior in different ways, facing different kind of behavior in different ways. So we get pinched again and again until we learn how to ouch.

 

 

Craving connection.

 

The acting technique that have studied, that I want to continue studying and that they are teaching at The Neighbourhood Playhouse in New York is called the Meisner technique.

In the beginning of Meisner training you don’t act because you haven’t been given any imaginary circumstances to deal with. You are just you. In the beginning it is all very shallow but still interesting.

Let’s say that you are attending your first class. There are two chairs facing each other placed in front of the group. The teacher asks you to sit in one of them and one of the other students is asked to sit in the other. You look at each other. You or your partner will observe something on the surface of the other person. Let’s say you start with saying: ‘You have a blue shirt’, the other person answers with ‘I have a blue shirt’, you repeat again ‘You have a blue shirt’ and the other person gives you the same answer as before. This exercise is called repetition. It can go on for very long but my experience is that it doesn’t in the beginning because one person will soon turn his or her head towards the teacher with a face saying ‘what the hell are we doing, I am perfectly aware that I have a blue shirt’.

 

It is not about what you say to the other person; it is about how you say it, what is in your behavior and whether or not the other person can pick up the nuances in your behavior and react. Turning your head to the teacher asking what the hell is going on is also behavior and if that behavior, which right there and then is very natural and truthful, is directed toward the other person, interesting things are about to happen if you are connected with your partner.

 

Later you will forget about the blue shirt and use the you-statement when observing the other person’s behavior. It might not always be what you want it to be but you have to deal with what you get from the other person. It is a game of ping pong. You call the behavior and the other person replies. For instance you think that the other person looks sad so you say: ‘You are sad’ with a point of view whether that is caring or indifferent the other person will answer ‘I am sad’ as a reaction to what you just said. It can be that this person isn’t sad at all and in that situation most likely you will be answered with ‘I am sad?’ under text saying I don’t agree or I don’t know what you are talking about. If the other person really is sad and you have a connection this might very well open up the emotions the other person is experiencing if the reply is truthful. Can you be in the moment with the other person, keeping the connection going or do you go up in your head trying to figure out what to do leaving the other person alone?

 

In the beginning it is hard to find a truthful connection because most of us are used to going up in our heads trying to figure out what to do and how to react. When you put your focus on the other person, when you keep repeating through these situations it is beautiful to be part. It is beautiful to watch. I can’t get enough of it, I cannot name one thing that I like better than being part of this.

 

When you have experienced connection in the exercise you will start to crave it and you will feel frustrated when it is not there. You have to be patient because it takes a lot of practice to let go of your head and connect and it takes many hours of repetition before you experience it on a regular basis. It takes two to connect. 

 

 

An angel for Jacqueline

 

 

 

 

Gut, I am sorry!

Hello Gut! Are you still there?

I know I haven't been in touch that much lately but I am planning on changing that. I was thinking that I need a new approach if I really plan on fulfilling my dreams. I thought I could go with you for a while to see how that feels. What do you say? Can you forgive me for all those years that I didn't listen to you?  

You know I almost cancelled this blog the moment I had created it out of fear. It is dangerous, I thought. People might have opinions. And then I thought, what would Gut say and I asked myself if that was a reason to hide.  

What is fear. It's a noun and a verb. It's a feeling that is supposed to set in as an instinct to protect us from danger. It also has the ability to sometimes fool us into thinking that things that can help us to grow are dangerous and then it limits us from taking risks. I am scared of going to New York, to make my dream come true because it means I can also fail and I can stand there with nothing in the end. No money, a big debt that I don't know how to pay off, no work and what I fear most a failure at what I want to be good at. 

Fear makes me doubt. Then I think of the alternative which is appalling.

Thank you all for the nice feedback I got yesterday.

 

New York! New York!

This is scary! I am about to out my dream to the world.

If you knew the way to fulfillment wouldn't you follow it? Some might think that happiness comes easy and for them it might be true. For me happiness is something that requires hard work. At least if I want to live my life fully. You see, my dream is one that I share with many and the competition is hard. Most would say and many have said; if you can pick something else, do it. I have spent 10 years looking for that something else and I came back empty-handed with the same dream. 10 years of wasted time, some would say, but I know that the person I was 10 years ago was not in state to go after that dream. Now some would say it is too late and that I am too old. A fear I face myself every day. I will listen to what Joni Mitchell said: "I learned a woman is never an old woman". I hope the world will start to agree with her at some point. Preferably sooner than later. Why not make it now. 

My dream is to make a living from acting and writing and to do that I want to attend the two year Acting program of Meisner training at The Neighborhood Playhouse in New York City. To follow in the footsteps of my late Meisner teacher Jacqueline McClintock, not just the best teacher I ever had but a force of nature who left us too early.

I want to become the best actor, and maybe even a Meisner teacher, that I can be and I believe that this is the path that will lead me there. The road there is a mountain of money that I don't have. When applying I have to guarantee that I can pay the tuition and I will need money to live while I am there. Time is running out and my brain is about to backfire while figuring out a way to get there. I guess some of you will think that this is not an issue since I could just save for a few years and then go there. Well, I am 31 years old. The average students there are in their early twenties. As a woman you should preferable have made it as an actor in your twenties if you want to be a professional. Another issue is children, I don't have them but I may want a couple in a few years. Hypothetically when starting this school in September next year I will be 32. If I get invited back to attend the second year, which I think would be the most important one, I will be almost 34 by the time I graduate.  

There are many ideas about acting out there. Many might think that dreaming of making a living as a professional actor is seeking a glamorous and easy life. Well who wouldn't want an easy life, not having to worry about money and well-being. But to think that most actors have that as a reason for wanting to make it as a professional is a disillusion. There are of course those who have that as their main objective when it comes to acting, but they might then be a bit less picky of what parts to play and in which productions they want to take part. Some of my friends think that most actors have that ambition and have suggested that that is what I am doing too, living in a dream world. They couldn't be more wrong. Acting for most actors is the total opposite of that. You have to work hard on inconvenient hours and for most of the time you are not sure if you can pay the rent every month. You have to apply for more jobs than most and you have to do it often since when you are hired it is very often short term. You have to live with rejection and not take it personally. You will screw up again and again and you will have to pull yourself together and try not to beat yourself up about it which most do even though they know they shouldn't, me included. Acting I think is one of the most self-destructing occupations if you can't deal with it. We still do it. So why do so many, including me, still strive to make it as professional actors? I will tell you why I do in this blog.